Kids Are Our Future

We want to be better parents, so we need know what our current parenting style is in order to help us identify those areas to improve.

What is a Parenting Style?

A parenting style is defined as a systematic pattern of child rearing. Research on parenting styles started at 1930s and so far the most influential research is done by Diana Baumrind. In her research she identified four main parenting styles in child development which are authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and neglectful styles.

Diana Baumrind’s Four Parenting Styles

Baumrind identified a set of characteristics which she believed defined competence for children in North American society, and then she examined parents’ child rearing beliefs and practices to determine the parenting styles that were associated with those outcomes.

Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative parents are demanding and responsive. They provide both the discipline and self-esteem needs of their children. They set clear, reasonable standards for responsible behavior that are consistent with children’s developing abilities. They give more positive encouragement at the right places, while they also set firm limits in their enforcement. They are warm, reasonable and responsive to a child’s needs. They are supportive of a child’s individuality and encourage growing independence as well.

Research has shown that children who have authoritative parents are usually competent. These kids are more self-controlled, self-reliant and happy. They usually have high self-esteem, are well-liked by their peers and perform better in school.

Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parents are demanding but not responsive. These parents place high values on following rules, and tend to overemphasize the discipline side of the equation. They discourage give-and-take between parents and children, and do not take their child’s needs into consideration. They are intimidators requiring obedience.

Research has shown that children who have authoritarian parents tend to be more anxious, withdrawn and discontented. These children usually have poor self-esteem and are not doing well at school.

Permissive Parenting

Permissive parents also called indulgent parents overemphasize the self-esteem side of the equation, and they are responsive but not demanding. These parents are warm, supportive and tolerant of the child’s impulses, while they set few rules or limits on what their children do. They also make few demands on the child for good behavior, do not use much punishment, and avoid exerting their authority. They seem to believe that children should grow up without any anger, tears or frustrations.

Research has shown that children who have permissive parents tend to be more immature, demanding and dependent. They often have unrealistic self-esteem, and blame others for their problems and misfortunes.

Neglectful Parenting

Neglecting parents are neither demanding nor responsive, primarily because they are disengaged.

Baumrind’s research indicates that among the four parenting styles, authoritative parenting is the most effective one in leading to healthy, happy and successful children, because of parents’ high expectations and support for mature behavior.

Difference between Authoritative and Authoritarian Parents

Another interesting recent research on parenting styles discusses the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parents. In addition to differing on responsiveness and demandingness, the parenting styles also differ in a third dimension: psychological control, which refers to using parenting practices such as guilt induction, withdrawal of love, or shaming to force the psychological and emotional development of the child inappropriately. One key difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting is on psychological control. Both authoritarian and authoritative parents place high demands on their children expecting them to behave appropriately and obey parental rules. However, authoritarian parents also expect their children to accept their values, goals, and judgments without questioning. In contrast, authoritative parents are more open to discuss with their children. Therefore, although both authoritative and authoritarian parents have equal extent on behavioral control, authoritative parents tend to have less extent while authoritarian parents tend to have more extent on psychological control.

I read some North American’s books, articles and blogs on the topic, “What makes a good parent?” and made a summary as the following.

A person who loves his or her children unconditionally

Children need a lot of attention, time and love. Love is the great motivator to raise a happy child. Love your children no matter what happens even sometimes they may disappoint you, anger you, or even disrespect you, but even during those times your children should know that they are loved by you. Because your children are in developmental stages, they need your love and support.

Show love to your children everyday. A gentle cuddle, a little encouragement, appreciation, approval or even a smile can boost the confidence and well-being of your children.

A role model

Children emulate their parents. As a parent, you are your children’s first role model. Pay attention to what you say and what you do around them and think about what kind of example you are making. Model the behavior and character you hope your children will adopt and live by the rules you set.

A good listener

Express your interest in your children and listen to their feelings, reactions, and opinions. Try to understand their point of view.

A good friend

A good parent enjoys and wants to play with his or her children. No matter how busy you are, you should spend time with your kids as possible as you can. Children, especially at a young age, learn a lot through play. For teenagers, talks to them frequently like a friend. For example, at dinner times talk to them about their school, and share your experiences with them as well.

A good mentor

A good parent will teach his or her children the value of life to inform and advise them on what is right and wrong. While as a mentor, a parent should let the child to choose which path to take as long as he or she is capable to do it, but must be aware that you give the child all the information. A parent must allow the child to make his or her own decisions and to enable the child to make his or her own mistakes as well.

When your child acts out in a harmful and spiteful manner, avoid criticism by focusing on his or her behavior, tell the child that such behavior is unacceptable and suggest right ways. Avoid public humiliation. If your child misbehaves in public, take him or her aside, and scold your child privately.

A person who respects his or her child’s individuality

Avoid comparing your children to others, especially siblings. Each child is individual and unique. Celebrate their differences and instill in each child the desire to pursue their interests and dreams.

Teach your children that it is okay for them to be different and they do not have to follow the crowd. Teach them right from wrong when they are young, and they will always be able to make their own decisions, instead of listening to others.

Recognize your children’s individuality. Every child is unique. Even though your children may resemble you, they are not you. Consider the individuality of each child a blessing and pursue ways to expand on that. Open your mind to the possibilities.

An education promoter

Invest your children’s education, both intellectual and moral. Make sure your children can read and write and think well. Be bravely counter-cultural wherever necessary. Discourage obsession with dating and romance. Protect your vulnerable children from the most damaging aspects of your popular culture.

A person who promotes discipline

Discipline your children. Choose the method that works best for your children. Set boundaries such as bedtimes, so they learn that they have limitations. By doing so, they actually get a sense of being loved and cared about by their parents. They might rebel at those boundaries, but inwardly enjoy knowing that concerned parents love them. Limit TV and internet use. No kid needs a TV in his or her room. And it’s rarely advisable to allow an internet capable computer in a child’s room. Keep the entertainment machinery in family areas, and supervise its use.

Enforce rules that apply to every person leading a happy and productive life. Be consistent and enforce the same rules all the time, and resist your child’s attempts to manipulate you into making exceptions. Communicate clearly to your children. Children should be very familiar with the consequences of their actions. If you give them a punishment, be sure they understand the reason and the fault.

A person who promotes independence

Do not routinely do things for your children that they can learn to do for themselves. Encourage responsibility by insisting they clean their room and make their bed every morning. Even the youngest of children can learn to tidy their room and clean up their toys. As your child grows, give them more responsibility.

A person who has good self-control

When you are in bad mood, control your temper well.

A book lover

Provide lots of good books to your children. Start to read to your children early, and encourage kids to read as much as they can.

A flexible person with principles

Allow children to experience life for themselves, but do not just lose total control. Do not make decisions for them all the time; they must learn how to live so that they are ready when they are adults.

Do not strictly follow the parental behaviors of your culture or other defining factor. Each child is individual and each parent loves their child. Please do not believe that there is only one way to raise a child.

Life is a great teacher. If the consequences are not overly severe, do not be too quick to rescue your child from the results of their own actions.

Do not push your child into pursuits that they are not interested in. Because parents often want the best for their children and assume that their idea is always what is best, they tend to push kids. Let the children choose their extra curricular pursuits.

A person who works together with school

Be involved in the school. Visit your child’s teachers at open house, and get to know them. Ask questions regarding how your child is performing and interacting with other students. Make sure that you are checking homework, but not doing it for your child. Ask your child questions about his or her day and find out what he or she likes and dislikes on his or her learning experience.

Be involved and proactive in getting to know the environment of the children that your child attaches to. Get to know the other children and their parents. Your child will learn many things from his or her friends and be affected by them as well.

An optimist

Praise your children as possible as you can. Celebrate the good thing your child has done, even the small things in a positive way.

A patient person

No one is perfect, children make mistakes as adults do. Be patient to your children’s setbacks, give them your support, never give up.

It is very difficult to judge a parent on the way that they choose to raise their children. Each parent has his or her own impression of what makes a parent a good parent or a bad one. As long as the child is healthy and happy, then the parents are doing the best that they can. Good parents are not judged by how much money they spend on their child but by how much love they give to their child.

Raising children is one of the most important jobs in the world, which needs long-term continuous endeavor. Parenting does not stop when a child grows up. Being a good parent remains a life-long role. Nowadays, kids in elementary schools have cell phones, have the internet access, by which they can go into virtual adults’ world, parenting becomes even more challenge.

Most of parents try to be good parents. However, some of them even tried harder, and only got bad results. Why? Let’s look into it.

Researchers have spent decades studying what motivates children to behave and what discipline methods work and what do not. Many of parents’ favorite strategies are scientifically proven to fail.

Perfectionist

Children like adults make mistakes. No one in the world is perfect. Some parents are displeased with anything what their child did if it is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards. Perfectionist parents are stressful and damage children’s development as well.

Too rigorous

Some parents are too strict on their children in the imposition of discipline. Although good parenting has principles and need discipline, however, parents still need have some flexibility and should promote positive reinforcement. Some parents usually ignore their children’s good behavior, and every time their children did something wrong, they would step in and complain or even blame their children.

Punish too harshly

According to research, in order to stop bad behavior of their children, some parents commonly punish far more harshly than they need to. Discipline works best when it is mild, because too much will induce more resentment and anger. It is suggested to use timeout, but with limits. Usually one minute for each year of age of the child. The timeouts on teenagers should not be more than a day. Too much will make the child’s attitude shifts from regretting bad behavior to resenting the parent. Because the punishment leads to avoidance and escape, to some extent, it is effective. However, positive reinforcement of good behavior should be encouraged, like to ask the child to practice good behavior, such as fixing something he damaged, in order to win privileges back.

Too emotional

Some parents yell at their children very often trying to change their children’s behaviors, because they lost their patience, and get very emotionally upset. This only gives children negative reinforcement, and makes both parents and children become emotional and lose self-control.

Do not consider their child’s feeling

When kids cry, some parents tell their kids “don’t cry.” The better way should say “what happened? I am sorry.” By doing like this, the child learns empathy through being empathized with. As we know that empathy is one of the essential qualities for a happy life. Children with empathy act by considering other people’s feeling, which leads good relationship with people.

Too serious and forget to have fun

Life needs hard work in the meantime, needs relax and joy as well. Have fun family activity with children, and enjoy life with children, which are very important to children’s healthy development and build a happy family.

Overindulging

Although most of parents agree that setting and enforcing rules are an essential part of good parenting. However, when they think that they only have the limited time with their kids, and want to have good time with them; these parents end up overindulging their kids and forget limits.

Research on parenting styles has found that a child whose mom and dad do not have limits feels unsafe and more rebellious and is more likely to have problems in school and has drug and alcohol problems.

Family rules should be set in advance of considering a conflict, and parents should explain and discuss the family rules with children well. For example, let the child choose between two options when either choice is acceptable to the parent. For example, “right after school, play a half-hour of electronic game then homework?” Or “before game finish all homework?”

Praise in a wrong way

Some parents use praising to motivate their children. However, they only praise their children in general ways. Like “you’re so smart”, “good job!” This kind of praise actually makes children narcissism and less motivated. The children who are praised for being intelligent, rather than making a good effort, actually make less effort on doing things and have a harder time dealing with failure. The effective way to praise a child in order to motivate him or her should praise the child with enthusiasm focusing on the behavior and tell the child why it is good.

Overprotective

Some parents can not stand to see their children struggle and jump in too quickly. In order to raise resilient children, parents have to give their children free space to let them realize that sometimes they will fail, make mistakes, have setbacks. They will learn from them and improve. Otherwise, children may grow afraid to try. There are a lot of children who seem really unmotivated, not because they are lazy, because they are afraid of failure.